The 5 Types of Thanksgiving You’re Friends Will Have This Year
Thanksgiving is finally here and while no two holiday celebrations are the same, here are a few of the Thanksgivings your friends will have/endure this year.
The “Ate Way Too Much” Thanksgiving
“I think I’ve consumed enough calories to last until 2019.”
You’re having a hard time comprehending what you’re looking at. Your friend appears to have had an allergic reaction and has swollen up over Thanksgiving. Allergies had nothing to do with it, you friend has spent the last 5 days stuffing his face with his mom’s home cooking. Priding herself as a “true southern cook” this lady pours butter into her food with a cement mixer and places food that’s healthy behind food that’s “healthy for the soul.”
The “Family Torture” Thanksgiving
“Please don’t make me go back!”
Harboring grudges that date back to the Reagan administration, this friend’s family isn’t what you’d call functional. They endured a 3 day shouting match made worse with ever extra helping of their uncle’s Wild Turkey. Give them a pat on the back. They need it.
The “Truth About Thanksgiving” Thanksgiving
“The pilgrims were criminals who stole the Natives land and you should be ashamed for taking part in this farce.”
This friend is more of a buzzkill than an actual friend. They saw a documentary on BBC a week ago and have gone on a shaming spree. Grit your teeth and accept this friends criticism. Then forget to invite them to your next group outing.
The “Family Reunion” Thanksgiving
“Are we related? Are you sure?”
This friend spent his Thanksgiving being introduced to a family tree so extended, the branches no longer support weight. Did you know they have cousins in Turkey? They didn’t. But for some reason they just spent 2 days with them as they stopped by for the family reunion. They’ll go through a stage of assuming everyone is their cousin before going back to normal.
The “Surprise Vacation” Thanksgiving
“My sister was with her husband’s family so me and my parents went to Cancun.”
With no major family plans, this friend took advantage of the days off and took a brief vacation. Completely forgetting the point of Thanksgiving, they had a better time than anyone else. But even with the fun, they missed spending time with their family around the dinner — I’m kidding they had a blast and never want to do traditional Thanksgiving again.
